Doug doesn't call anymore
He's wearing a ring that inhibits his dialing
And this time he really seems sure
All calm and content
All that drooling and smiling
Everyone knows that a romance is great
(Cupid take aim at the couple ascending)
But everyone knows that the tree isn't straight
If the roots were all formed
With habitual bending

Doug doesn't call anymore
He fell into love but he couldn't stop falling
And maybe he stopped keeping score
Maybe he's stubborn or maybe he's stalling
And everyone follows a poetic theme
(And the fork of the path that is usually taken)
But everyone knows at the end of a dream
There's a hell of chance that you'll finally awaken

Tie the knot, Doug
Tie it tighter
Seal the package with a kiss
Open wide, Doug
Open wider
Something might still come from this

Doug in step
Doug inspired
Doug uncovered
Doug unstaged
Doug released
Doug retired
Doug enlightened
Doug engaged

Doug doesn't call anymore
Mr. and Mrs., a powerful mixture
And now that he's safe and secure
He doesn't need anyone clouding the picture and
Everyone knows that behind a great man
There's a women of strength
With a great constitution
But everyone knows it's an unnatural plan
To be locked up inside of an old institution

Tie the knot, Doug
Tie it tighter
Pay the rabbi, pay the priest
See the sights, Doug
See the spider
Mates for life then starts to feast

Doug revealed
Doug remembered
Doug undaunted
Doug uncaged
Doug de-clawed
Doug dismembered
Doug encumbered
Doug engaged

Here's a toast to wedded bliss
H